Here's a piece that wouldn't fit in/wasn't good enough by Elvis Safety:
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I’ve been asked to write a few words about Alfred
Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’. I’m not what
you would call, qualified to do this, I’ve seen very few films and this is not
one of them. If asked to write about the
works of Mathew Broderick there’d be a -AMAZING I’VE JUST CAUGHT A FLY BETWEEN
MY THUMB AND FOREFINGER! BITE THE BIG ONE MYAGI! - few more words.
So having never seen ‘The Birds’ or any other Alfred
Hitchcock film I can only imagine what it’s about. And boy does it sound like the kind of film
I’d like. I’ve heard it’s a horror and
rightly so, birds are quite scary especially when they try to blow you while
drunk, never mind when they wake up hungover and weepy with make up all over
their face, your face, white bedspread and walls. They can never remember your name –or sometimes
their own- but they can always remember that you filmed the previous night’s
debauchery and insist on you deleting it.
The human mind is breath taking, annoying but none-the-less breath
taking.
Anyway, to the film! The best bit’s probably near the
beginning when Hitchcock is cruising around nondescript suburban Lancashire in
his SAAB while drinking Highland Commissioner neat to The Village People’s
‘Sleazy’ tastefully mixed into the background when he gets flagged over by a
Myra Hindley-a-like at a bus stop. A
short innuendo fuelled flirtatious chat ensues and what comes natural to an
aging yellow teethed man and a woman stranded in the worst area of Great
Britain naturally occurs. A short drive,
more elevated dirty-talk, an abandoned Industrial Estate and a breathy
clinch. Ahh Hitchcock, only Hitchcock
could leave her at the scene of the rut and absent mindedly forget he’s kept
her entire bottom half of clothing and left shoe strewn over his ample back
seat.
I like how his film would push the boundaries of your
standard bored middle class sex crazed homemade cinematography. This Hitchcock blokes appropriating and
pastiche-ing his little heart out. He’s
drawn inspiration from such films as Reservoir Dogs, Full Metal Jacket and
Scum. It’s a truly eclectic mix of
styles and sexual preference. Although it
has the ability to please everyone that watches it, it’s also his downfall. It’s just too much of a democracy. While trying to appeal to a bigger market
he’s alienated his loyal and already established fan base.
I’d imagine at this point in his directing, producing and
acting career Hitchcock’s at a crossroads.
Carry on in the same way he has, which has earned him his already
substantial following, resulting in a personal creative dilemma. Do
what his inspirational heart and aspirational mind are telling him and do what
he feels right, risking the alienation of his fan base and the possibility of
the greater gain of the mainstream pound.
Like only Hitchcock would do he’s tried to keep everyone happy. At times it works, yet there is an underlying
feeling of him asking everyone to ‘Please, please. please like me’.
I imagine poor Hitchcock’s had a rough time deciding whether
to go ahead with this film. On the whole
I think it was the right decision. He
has perhaps received a lot, and I mean a lot of negative feedback from his
puritan fans but he’s beautifully slid into the more a lucrative world of
thinking men and ironic viewers. I
believe cigars and slaps on the backs should reign down on Mr Alfred Hitchcock
for this monumental cinematic effort. I can only advise ‘The Birds’ to open minded
long term fans and first timers. 
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